| yesterday |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008|09:36 pm] |
Yesterday while walking I watched a young Pitbull
newly three legged.
She didn’t know quite what to do and kept lowering
her chest to the ground.
Her one front leg strained and shook and bowed outward
as she tried to balance.
Her body was sleek with muscle. Energy
ready to ignite.
Her head was broad and regal. Her eyes were liquid,
bright, intelligence.
Her bones, her tendons, her muscles said poise,
power and movement.
She raised herself again, the left front leg
better aligned now.
She shifted her weight to the back two legs,
breathed in, and rested.
Next she hopped her front leg backwards, hesitated,
and then, she stood. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|05:02 pm] |
Nobody has hurt me more than you except maybe myself
Small pieces of you gave me life
You watched me Come Forth
Saw me shiny, bloody and new
But, then you walked away
Putting my eyes, my small ears and my heart
Someplace dark and unknowable
Perhaps you were hypnotized.
Or maybe I was switched at birth
With another baby
Explaining your talent for forgetting
That in me is you
Or maybe it’s that you couldn’t face
Seeing what your leaving
Looked like reflected in my eyes
I guess I guess I don’t really know
Still, I believe there is a place
I’ve seen it in dreams
Where you see me across a field,
You smile, open your arms and run to me.
I’ll have my arms open too Dad |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|01:27 pm] |
Mama had a paper route.
That and she went to college, in between
lickin her wounds.
I used the Stateman’s flyers advertising
their paper
as the best and only in town.
On the backs I made pictures of family
as I was
beginning to understand it.
They were so happy, always
a sun and house.
Everyone smiling and waving, who knows who to.
My dad was gone by then
Absent from
that group in front of the house.
But, I was hopeful still. I
drew a dog.
My grandma had a stapler, then I had me a book. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2007|01:07 pm] |
pain so sharp I have to move in slow motion
breath in, breath out, slow and deliberate
hoping that with care I can avoid a crack
that would lead to a shattering
pieces falling everywhere, cutting me and
impossible to put back together |
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| ah |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|03:02 pm] |
Heat drips from my skin
As I move metal and rubber against
Rock and tar
I feel air as it rushes against me
I smell dying flowers and
Dry dirt
My heart pounds as my breath
Travels deep into my chest
In and out
People are a blur as I am attuned
To the rhythm of red and greens and
Screeching tires
Two birds above me, also free
I take my hands off the bars and
I fly |
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| bob |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|08:16 am] |
i remember a button on his coat
i remember falling and him promising me anything
i remember him watching tv and
feeding me saltines late at night when my stomach hurt
later i remember waiting for him
standing on grandma's porch hoping he'd show, realizing he wouldn't
waiting and watching the mail hoping that
this year he'd send me a birthday card or maybe even call
later i remember the summertime visits
waiting all day in a staff lunchroom for him to take a break
trying to make him laugh during our lunch
hoping that later he would take me for a drive all alone
later still i remember showing him
my first apartment and my happiness with what i thought was his pride
and all those lunch dates, some he kept, most he didn't
regardless, i always enjoyed his company and hoped for his love
Now though, i've been grown for so long i know
no amount of waiting, hoping or trying will ever
let me reach him the way i wanted to
no matter how much sun i am to his shade
he will never be my father. |
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| age |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|10:12 am] |
sitting on the dirty carpet of jimmy's room
listening to stairway to heaven's back-masking
over and over
fear titillating us as we imagined aligning
ourselves with satan
trying to hear by rewinding and replaying
just what was seeping into our brains through this music
the tape was an inspirational morman lecturer
talking to parents about the dangers of rock and roll
we were enthralled
we wanted to be dangerous and inside of danger
i also thought
because of our other favorite tape that if
the devil came down to boise he didn't have a chance
then it was time for lunch and grandma gave us a fiver
for burger king
the walk up orchard street was long and when we arrived
we were starving for fries and salt and burgers and pop
we were grown ups
we ordered and paid and took the goods outside to eat
nostalgically
we watched the babies play on the plastic big toy
that looked so very small and decrepit to us now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|03:50 pm] |
standing at the screendoor
listening to my grandpa making no noise at all
holding still and pressing my nose against the screen
so as to breathe in deeply
the strong scent of his cigarettes
and share in his private resistance to
my grandmothers tyrany |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|10:12 am] |
cryin shame but yer not cryin,
yer jus spinin and spinin. a beetle on his back.
tape on our mouths, cotton in our ears,
and rosy tinted glasses. even so will we see
what you want and act how you will?
if we give till it's just bile, empty because, you
take the food out our mouths and
then comand us to keep chewing. will it be enough then?
i want for you bright and shiny days
filled with hope and laughter. but you insist on spending
your time trying to fit pieces
of a puzzle together that long ago lost it's face. |
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| atlanta |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|08:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | raindrops | ] |
on saturday we saw a play based on the book "for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf." it was sold out at the balzer theater. i read the book years ago and found it's intensity brutal and a little pointless at the time. however, the play was amazing. i was moved to a lot of tears. my favorite scene was -somebody almost stole all my stuff- it was a new way for me to think about possessions and identity. still digesting.
the black crowes concert was hilarious. the concierge at the hotel tol us to pack a picnic so we walked to this little store in midtown and bought cute food including large grapes which i called muskrats because i can't recall their real name, chocolate cake, mini bottles of wine, bread, cheese and the sort. well, when we got there nothing of the kind was allowed. so we sat outside on the pavement eating our picnic and watching people go in. by the way, in atlanta you can walk around with yer liquor anywhere. no paper bags for them. we were frightened a bit by the hicks, but, really there were all sorts going in and after the wine we felt emboldened. we gave our left over muskrats to the cutie girl at the entrance. the amphitheater is beautiful and the sound is the best i've heard in that sort of venue. t knew some of the songs and they did play the 2 songs i happened to have heard before. anyway, it was fun. we walked and rode the bus and rail to get there. the neighborhood we got off in was a lil sketchy but we did okay. this huge man selling tickets said to his homie about me or t "what is that" the other guy was like "look for tits" he he. good luck there. |
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| georgia |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|04:42 pm] |
georgia is my grandma's name.
last night we went out and saw some local female emcees. the club was called apache on 3rd near peachtree. it was hoppin. we didn't get to sleep until around 3 am. went an got some cup o noodles and ate em in our room before we went to sleep. the marta train stops running at 1 am. sucks really it's like a curfew for the poor here. we would have stayed a lot longer but we couldn't pay sixty for a taxi back to the hotel.
tonight we're goin to go see black crowes at chastian park. i guess the ampitheater is one of the best in the nation. they're really proud of it here. i don't know a thing about the black crowes. we really just wanted to see a show at the park/ampitheater. it's outside. i guess that's the big deal.
went to cabbagetown on wednesday. oooh, scary lil place.
i really love me some terresa. she's a beautiful, sweet and funny girl. i always have such a good time with her traveling. |
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| atlanta |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|01:36 pm] |
when we got here to at 11:30 pm the hotel had been flooded and they didn't have rooms available for us. after waiting about 45 minutes we were shuttled to a holiday inn, but, then they only had smoking rooms left an t can't do that so we didn't know. we called the fancy ass place back where we were supposed to be staying an tol them could they suggest another hotel, no, apparently all hotels in the entire city were full. so i talked to the guy at holiday inn's front desk an asked him about cities close by, used the free internet access an found a super 8 in dectuar. by then it was about 3:45 in the morning and we hadn't had dinner so we went to this 24 hour korean place called tofu house. it was really good tofu soup. i had the one with shrimp in it an it was all types of shrimp including the big prawn types that still had there eyes and little legs. i had to peel em before eating. anyways, we called a cab and ended up getting to the super 8 at 4:45. we were pretty tired the whole next day. i walked around where we are staying -at the dunwoody marta station- there's a big mall. but, i'm not really that into malls and it was a lot like home cept a lot more expense. but, good people watching for sure. so far, i have to say it's like people say the locals are really friendly and lots of em are real talkative. iv'e been asked directions quite a few times so i must fit in ok. although i have caught many people staring at my leg hair. apparently no women would ever do that here. really nobody is wearing shorts here. season for that is over i think. but, it's like 78 degrees and then humidity is fo real so i'm fine with shorts.
wow, the clothing stores in the downtown area look incredible. t and i are going to go back there after she gets done with work today. we were at five points area- or that's what the marta stop is- where we felt for the first time what a big city this is. 10 million a cab driver told us. i haven't spent that much money so i should be able to get some gear. urban brands here i haven't seen at home or online.
so the ground here is shiny orange clay underneath the grass, barkdust, concrete or whatever. it's beautiful, i was thinking they could probably use it as makeup though it might dry the skin so prolly no.
i have experienced some jet lag. i think it was exasperated by the first night of no sleep.
yesterday i went to the botanical garden. i'll put pictures in maybe later. it was beautiful. they have a huge orchid section and also two desert areas where the plants are amazing. plus, one of the desert plant areas is closed in and the area is not humid, simulating a desert, and when i walked in there it was the first time i felt like i could breath easily. the humidity makes breathing a lil difficult. so i got of at the arts center station and i had a lil map so i thought it would be fine to walk to the botanical garden. i took 17th which is really winds around and is tricky. plus it was hilly anyway i kept taking wrong turns and then having to backtrack. i was so tired when i finally made it to the garden. i walked around lost for like two hours. luckily on the way back i took another route and it was much less difficult. the neighborhood i was mainly lost in was rich, ol houses and huge lots. the thing i thought was the coolest was all the screened in porches. the architecture too on some of the older looking houses, especially brick, was unfamiliar to me and beautiful. i took a picture on my cell phone of this house i really liked. it was so big that i had to take two seperate pictures cause i couldn't fit it all in one frame. it had an arched brick entryway, i think three stories all with rooms that had huge old glass windows and then it had that screened porch area. another item i was curious was how ruined the sidewalks are here. i mean this area actually had sidewalks unlike a lot of areas i've been to so far. many of the sidewalks aren't solid concrete like i'm used to, but more octagonal cement bricks at all different levels of disarray and they mainly weren't level at all. there are a lot of trees here everywhere kinda like home. it's very lush here in general. there's this one plant all over which looks kind of like a wandering jew plant only bigger. it's pretty and purple with little purple flowers. there are many evergreen and deciduous trees plus many big leafed plants with leafs that look like giant sagittarius plants. the birds here i have seen are cool. the most common is the mockingbird. sweet, i was surprised when i found out. also, they have red/pinkish thrashers here which are cool looking. i don't know about the others i've seen. i would like to get to a bookstore today later and find out about the birds in this area.
i have only seen three dogs total in the 4 days i've been here. i don't think dogs are a real popular pet here. i miss my girls.
i'm off to take a swim.
oh, hey, we got an executive suite and some other free stuff for how screwed up our first night was. the room is pretty sweet. yesterday afternoon room service brought me cognac and chocolates for free. they brought on a some chillin an a nap. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|08:00 am] |
today i talked again to this girl who has been trying to talk to me on the bus for several weeks. but, i'm always to sleepy to hold conversation so i have pretended to be mean. today though i accidentlly sat down next to her and did talk with her and she's so interesting. she was making (hand sewing) her own underwear out of old tee-shirts. we talked about how to consume well. which i am all about in my head right now. i told her about the schemes t and i have (the yurt plans and all) even though i was holding a cup of coffee from seattle's best which was double cupped.
she works at a montessori school. she can't ride clear to multnomah village from north portland and back either every day without being sick all the time and she's only 25. that certainly soothed my ego. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|08:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | psalm one | ] |
went to yoga class for the first time in years on monday. the teacher was really good about reminding us of when to inhale and exhale which really helps me cause otherwise i just hold my breath.
t was on the bus yesterday and half stood to ring the bell; the bus driver then slammed on his brakes and she went flying down the isle. she actually caught air and then landed by the ticket taking machine full on her knees. poor girl she's all bruised up and her new pants are ruined. she had to spend the evening at kaiser where she did score some vicodon which i was riled about cause she never uses it and i like. i already had to share wid my bro who is an over the counter pill whore. that way he's still pure for mormon jesus.
i'm getting excited to go to atlanta, although i really haven't looked up much about what's to do yet. we still have to find a dog sitter. one of the little seniors in pink said she knows someone when i was asking bout it. but, i haven't reminded her to get the guy's number. we short on dollars, but, i think it'll still be good. i like walking around in cities i don know.
fall is so beautiful. i'm feel so lucky i have a job i'm always seein the outside or i'm in it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|02:43 pm] |
today i washed my bus. i had to use a 11 foot ladder and it took me about 3 hours. it looked too shiny when i was finished and i was afraid it would blind other drivers so i covered it with muddy polka-dots when i was finished. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|09:03 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tower of power | ] |
my half brother got married yesterday. my mom asked me months ago to go, and t and i were sent an invitation, the kind with a picture, see through paper, and her parents are proud to announce. i decided not to go almost immediately, but, i feel guilty now that it's over. i even forgot all about it yesterday and was trying to reach my brother mark who was at the wedding. they were married in THE TEMPLE so only mormans could attend. i read this week that only 30% of mormans have a temple reccommend, this surprised me, anyway so i guess not all mormans could go. i tried telling my mom that i think it's strange how exclusive the whole thing is but she didn't get it and told me i'm welcome to come to the reception (held in a morman church). i didn't call my brother with any wishes or anything. i feel badly and plus i feel like anything now i say will just be stupid. it's not like we're close or anything buy still. i missed mark's wedding too because he told me it was his day and he felt everyone would be more comfortable if i didn't go. my mom told me she's using bowls i gave her for candy at the reception so i guess in some way i contributed. huh.
i would like to be married. when i was younger i thought marriage was for straight people and queers who wanted it were just trying to assimilate (weaklings). now i would love it if my partnership and my love were okayed and relished by everyone i see. i've been engaged now for about two years. i want to wait until it's legal to be married. you know i want to be married for real. i want t's social security when i'm old, i want to be able to say to people smuggly well we've been married for 50 years. but, as is as is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|11:59 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | jubilant | ] |
today bonnie (smoker, age 72, screamer) came with us on a shopping trip to winco. all the way there she complained about mexicans ripping her off (yardwork) and other forgeiners stealing all our tax dollars. she also berrated her boyfriend for his new love interest and wouldn't let him sit close to her.
when we got there and i announced that i'd be back at 1:30 (because i do another shuttle in between time) bonnie went beserk. she started screamwhining and just wouldn't stop. i couldn't get a word in for like 10 minutes. i was just standing there, everyone else had gotten off the bus, and she would not stop. after awhile i got a chance to tell her that i could just take her back home now so that she wouldn't miss the air conditioner fixit guy. she goes and sits back down still screamwhining about her despair and the unfairness of this tragedy.
i told her "i am not sure if you're aware of my hourly wage bonnie, it's 12.14, which isn't enough to put up with you yelling at me for this long." then i turned up the radio LOUD and drove her ass home.
ps i'm considering getting a leather steering wheel cover for the bus. mmmm soft. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|08:13 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | computer hum | ] |
i have decided to live as much as possible through my sense of touch. i'm loving it so far and though it's only been a day and a half i feel very differently.
things i've noticed:
natural vs more manmadeish items... plastic feels so dead whereas porcelain and metal feel more awake.
putting sand inside your shoes and going sockless is like spending the day on the beach
bark is wildly different from tree to tree
people put off so much heat and two people with skin together is like a burner
breathing makes me feel like i know my insides intimately, cilia by cilia breath touches as it enters me
i think slugs are gods to me now. i imagine them moving desperately slowly along blind, deaf and mute with vaginalike vulnerability visible in each pore touching as much as possible everything they come into contact with. |
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| food |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|08:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
last night we had my brother, his wife and two kids over for dinner. i spent about 2 and half hours working on the dinner and i was excited about it.
my sister in law crystal ate exclusively salsa. not on anything, just salsa. my niece haelie (or however the fuck they spell it) ate only cheese. so much so that the rest of us didn't have the cheese they wanted. mark and terresa ate like wolfs to release the tension and i spilled my food all over my lap. actually i kept running inside, we were eating outside so that gus wouldn't eat any of the kids, everytime i felt like i could lose it. i am so glad i was tipsy on coronas otherwise i feel sure i would have screamed at crystal and then told her to leave.
she let braedon wander into our house while t and i were bringing out the food, gus freaked out and then she acted like she had no idea that she should be keeping them out of the house. even though she entered the backyard through our outside back gate and we told them we'd be keeping the dogs inside for everyones' safety.
here are some of the comments about my dinner:
"these tortillas need to be heated up otherwise they break like this"
"i don't like meat"
"no, i won't it this it's yucky"
"cheese, cheese give me more cheese now" these last three comments in a loud whine
"i only eat meat when it's red"
i hope that i will remember never to try to cook for
my bro, his 300 lb wife (who i have never seen really eat anything in the 5 years i've known her) and his rude brood again.
i honestly don't think i'll be able to be around their kids after another few years of parenting by them. plus they're homeschooling them so they have no idea how to act around people. fucking crazy. |
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